How to Marry a Corporation


Thanks to the Supreme Court and their Citizen’s United decision – corporations in America are considered people – but it didn’t used to be like this. The first modern corporations began forming the 1880’s – and after realizing the power these corporations had on society and the danger they could pose to our democracy – Congress passed the Tillman Act in 1907 – which outlawed corporations from donating to politicians. But – fast forward a century – and corporations are now donating to politicians without any limits – because the Supreme Court decided to blow up the sensibility of the Tillman Act, and replace it with the mind-boggling idea that corporations are people, and money is speech.

And – if corporations are people – and we follow that logic to its final conclusion – then corporations should be allowed to marry – right? Well – King County, Washington – the county that Seattle is in – followed the Citizen’s United logic and showed how absurd it is – and they issued a marriage license for a living, breathing woman to marry an inanimate, all-powerful corporation. In a beautiful and heartfelt wedding ceremony in King County, Washington – Ms. Angela Marie Vogel married Corporate Person – a Washington State Corporation. The wedding ceremony was attended by roughly 100 guests – and was presided over by Pastor Rich Lang – who presided over a brilliant ceremony that was also brilliant political theatre.

Pastor Lang told the crowd that, “For Angela, dear, sweet victim of corporate propaganda, she has been swept up in a love that knows no boundaries, nor limits, no moral concerns…” Lang went on to say that, “we gather knowing that the love that binds them together will end in the grief and tragedy of Angela’s mortal death, even as Corporate Person lives on, marrying again and again with the adoration and support of shareholders world-wide.” And – finally – at the end of the ceremony – Pastor Lang closed by saying, “In celebration of this merger let us reach deep into our pocketbooks and take out a symbol of that which is most sacred and holy of all – let us show the benevolent power of our Corporate Lords and Master by taking out a $1 dollar bill.”

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